Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
