i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
