Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
