she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
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