I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Randomize
