The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
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