Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Randomize
