Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
