just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
