i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
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