A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
