I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Can I color on your dick again?
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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