maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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