The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
