Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize