Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
I want her autograph on my taint
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
