So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
The feeling are messing with the penis
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
