i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Randomize
