Im at strip club and am horny
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Randomize
