Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
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He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
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