I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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