all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
