I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
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