Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
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