I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
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