Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
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