i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
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