we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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