you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
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Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
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The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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