life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
