He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
im holly from the hills drunk
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
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It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
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