There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
Randomize
