worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
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