i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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