I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
