im six kinds of drunk right now
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Randomize
