i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Randomize
