I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
