Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Randomize
