So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Randomize
