There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
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