Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
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If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
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And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
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