Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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