remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
