Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
