Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
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I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
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I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
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