yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
