nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
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