Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
