I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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