You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Randomize
