One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
