There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
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