watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
