I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
