So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
