God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
So. Much. Porn.
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