I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
