this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
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