I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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