well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I cut my penus on the lid.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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