i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
I wish I only lived at night.
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
