I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
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