I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
Every concussion has its silver lining
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
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