i will never coherently bang her
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
Randomize
