sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
