The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
