Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
Randomize
